FAKE ANECDOTES

The following is excerpted from Jack Albertson’s out-of-print 1975 memoir, Not Your Average Grandpa Joe.

Time was you could kill a drifter and nobody’d bother you.  From the years 1925…

Sometimes, I’ve noticed, he wakes up in the morning with balled fists.

Other times he wakes up looking like a still from an Italian neorealism movie.  “You look like Lamberto…

Well did I tell you about when Maya spilled the tomato juice? Oh my, you’ll love this. You know my friend Maya, she’s the cute little blonde girl who wears those bejeweled capris. Yes, I…

My father lives in my garage. It’s not weird. It’s not. From my understanding, plenty of parents live next to their kids’ cars. I don’t mind. Though one time I got sort of pissed at…

Hooooooly shit where did you get this it’s good stuff huh actually it’s amazing when I was in Paper Moon Randy Quaid was toooootally there the whole time like he was just hanging out…

After I saw Balaban do that thing with the spur-winged goose I puked into my turtleneck. I was totally blown away. It reminded me of that Steve Coogan thing. That was on Sideways….

I need to make any situation an extremely sexual one. That’s sort of what I’m known for. On the set of Lady in the Water I said, “Let’s make my role more sexual,” and it was so….