I need to make any situation an extremely sexual one. That’s sort of what I’m known for. On the set of Lady in the Water I said, “Let’s make my role more sexual,” and it was so….
A couple of years ago Henry bought me a raspberry clafoutis from this little bakery in Greenpoint. He was over at his friend Fernando’s apartment watching “Project Gayway” and he’d left…
All right kids, you cornered me. Happy with yourselves? Man can’t buy a pantry pack of Fluff without the whole damn media goin’ apey. I ’spose you wanna ask me about that Stephen…
Penelope Spheeris, that bitch—that’s why I’m glum. I was the best fucking part of 1994’s Little Rascals. You ask a hundred people on the street, you couldn’t find person one who remembers that Bug Hall played Alfalfa—but ask them who played Waldo’s father. Trump, goddamnit, that’s what they’ll tell you.
So why is it that Penelope isn’t casting me in Little Rascals 2: All Grow’d Up? How could she forget that on the set of Little Rascals I put out the fire that threatened to consume her dangling blonde ponytail? She didn’t even see the damn fire, she was so busy making eyes at George Wendt, a.k.a Norm from Cheers, a.k.a. Dickie “No Dick” Wendt, a.k.a fine I admit it he’s kind of a dreambarge. Boat? The expression is dreamboat? Thought it was barge. Fuck off, it’s dreambarge now. Point is Penelope’d be dead if it weren’t for me. I walloped out that fucking fire with 1989’s Trump - The Board Game that the grips were playing with. Lost my fucking eyebrows, thank God they’re flesh colored so no one noticed. But whatever, Penelope, 1998’s Senseless sucked—only good part was Brad “Dickie” Dourif.
Send a dozen Trump Steaks to all of Penelope’s enemies. Around the clock.